Everyday We're Trufflin' — Justin Bancroft gave me Chocolate Truffles: Okay earlier I was reading an article which brought me to tears, I didn't even finish it
Symptoms of giftedness or something like that, but anyway it mentioned something that struck me and wanted to make me shout for joy and just exclaim “There is a reason!”
Heightened emotions and responses.
I (and maybe my littlest brothers) have the most emotion in the house. Remember my post about crying and getting emotional the other day? Well I cry, he has a temper- I’m officially gifted and he’s presenting all the signs and symptoms as well as the intellect to match.
There is a reason why they all don’t cry; I’m not a freak. I’m just gifted. It’s all just linked back to my freaking giftedness.
So when father tells me to stop crying it’s not my fault if the tears end up coming down- giftedness. I’m not just overreacting, it’s the way my mind processes it. As well as my sleeping patterns- the brain is firing off so many damn ideas I can’t sleep. IT’S TRUE BECAUSE I TRY TO SLEEP AND I’M JUST TRYING TO SHUT DOWN BUT I CAN’T.
I THOUGHT THE ISSUES WERE SEPERATE- INTELLEIGENCE AND BEHAVIOUR ARE SO DIFFERENT.
THIS IS WHY GIFTEDNESS AND LEARNING DIFFICULITES ARE SO FUCKING SIMILAR. A GIFTED KID IS “BORED” BUT A ‘DISABLED’ KID IS ‘INVENTIVE’- IT’S NOT JUST THEM WITH BEHAVIOURAL DIFFERENCES.
It was the gifted school I swear, these differences in behaviour became the norm; we were all over the top. They all expressed it in different ways, I cried, Rhia was a bitch, Chrisi was lively, Mack used music- fricken hypersensitivity.
I feel so much better. So calmer now.
Okay calm again, now I can properly go on without caps. This entire night stemmed out of a conversation with my mother about how there is a girl in the class she’s teaching who is possibly gifted and being stifled, and how there is a boy on the other end of the spectrum who needs help with his learning- however the system is not being fair to either- the girl is coming off as bossy because she just wants to keep learning, and the boy is being left behind by his classmates because he needs more time and a different explanation.
So I started googling giftedness because I started thinking about how giftedness was accommodated in the classroom which lead me to the hypersensitivity post. Because honestly I have never been accommodated for in high school, I was asked once by my science teacher on how to accommodate me and I honestly couldn’t tell him because I was too young when I was moved from ‘normal’ classes to the gifted program to know the difference between teaching styles. And when you’re whole class is gifted you don’t notice a difference. The most I would offer would be ‘uh less multiple choice’- he didn’t take out the multiple choice for me, I still got the same test as the normal kids. The lack of accommodation actually hurt me in History- dropping my mark by 20%- where we were forced to memorize not understand, it wasn’t my style and while yes you need to be felxible as a student, he didn’t adapt the class for me. But anyway…
Right now I’m comparing myself to the ‘disabled’ kids at my school who are all together with learning disabilities. They’re considered social outcasts, have bad people skills, many of them are introverts but incredibly sweet and kind. Some people consider them weird and not attentive.
This contrasts giftedness because they’re given all this accommodation for these ‘weaknesses’ and told they’re dumb and stupid which is so wrong- when the same qualities for qifted kids are called the fault of the teachers when really it’s all just the simple fact people don’t know how to deal with students outside the norm.
I keep thinking back to grade 4 when I was identified as gifted. I isolated myself, I read and played weird games, I didn’t pay attention, I cried at the drop of a hat, I was horrible with people- all marks of the ‘low end’ of the spectrum except for the fact I learned. Or something, I don’t know where I was going with this.
My point is that these symptoms are so similar- yet each group is catered to unequally. Those who are on the low end are given so much negative attention- but it’s a lot of attention so it has to help the ‘weird’ kids. Whereas the gifted kids are ‘quirky’ yet you don’t help them thinking they don’t need help when gifted kids need help too. The young girl in my mom’s class is the example, she doesn’t know what to do with herself, she needs an outlet!
I found myself moving away from the typical signs and symptoms by force however. I feel I was more of the introvert out of my entire class before 6th grade. They all seemed to flourish because they adapted better to ‘normal’ societial expectations. I on the other hand still preferred my reading- that was until the teachers decided that my natural introvertedness was unacceptable and forced me to be an extrovert- something I did not like, because hey you’re with others like you be happy! I was happy, they didn’t understand that the program was all I needed, I was fine now but they didn’t understand. The admins didn’t understand giftedness so I was sent to that bloody lady who said I had no friends.
Now I’m in high school- I’ve conformed to the mid end of the spectrum with it’s behaviours like they wanted. I became an extrovert, I became ‘unbored’ or ‘attentive’, I stopped doing things like meowing or curling up on the floor to nap.
However I think the reason this is striking so pogantnly with me now is because of the creeper kid in AP. I don’t know weather to hate him for his leering and lack of personal boundaries- or try to understand him because I see the similarities between us. The social issues, people not following his train of thought etc.
Or maybe I’m thinking so much about the low/high ends of the spectrum because of the AP exam and the fact creeper is getting extra time on it, but I’m wondering how they’d do that for me on the high end. Because I suck at multiple choice- not just on a normal level but memorization is not my strong suit and can mean the difference between credit and no credit on the exam I fear.
Or maybe it’s just because all these issues I have been suppressing since 6th grade have started welling up now. I stopped crying and being so sensitive, I paid attention, I stopped reading and started talking at recess. But not I’m starting to get my quirks back, I don’t want to talk at lunch anymore but just lie down and sleep and thinking, I want to cry again, I want to yell and scream and do something! My grades are dropping and I don’t know why, the words come in but on the paper they’re not there. And now the AP Exam is coming up and I wonder how this will translate onto it.
I know giftedness doesn’t go away- but through this all I feel like I’ve hit this point where I know I’m not normal. And yet I feel like now I am old enough to understand why I’m not and why it’s not meshing anymore. I feel dumber now and I feel like things aren’t clicking with my classes despite knowing more than I ever have. And I think it’s time I figured out how I accommodate myself to giftedness.
Cause the school knows jack shit about how to deal with the gifted- and university isn’t going to be much better.
I’m going to go curl up in a ball, cry and meow.
God it feels horrible and wonderful to be me.